I'm back and I totally want to give them all away

If you have kids, here's a tip:

A DVD player in your car doesn't guarantee a happy roadtrip. It just causes more pain, because then they all fight over what to watch. The real trick, I think, is to get them all portable DVD players and headphones. But is that spoiling?

Some things they fought about:

- Abbey sprinkles Pringles dust on Eric's shoe. Eric spazzes.

- Colton picks a Scooby Doo movie. Even though it's his turn to pick, Abbey whines, screams and kicks.

- Hours later, Abbey picks "Sharkboy and Lava Girl" - one of Robert Rodriguez's tamer flicks. Eric spazzes. He can't possibly watch it. His eyes may melt off his face, it's so BOR-ING. He may die. I think, maybe then it would get quieter? I get mad at myself for thinking that, because I love them all very much, and Katie hold that thought.

- Abbey hums and sways for no reason. Eric goes balistic. Abbey hums louder and sways harder. Eric goes 100% ape-shit. I threaten them all with certain death. I am ignored.

- Colton leaves the sound on his electronic soduku game during the movie. Eric and Abbey freak out.

- It's Gamboy time, which means they play for an hour and I get to listen to actual music for an hour. I play one of my iTunes mixes. Colton suggests the radio. I say, "No honey I like this stuff so that's what we're listening to." He sits quietly for a second, then says... "Oh." Eric chimes in, "This music sucks!" I secretly rejoice. The tormentors become the tormented! Thanks Tom Petty, I owe you.

- Abbey pours lemonade from one bottle to another, then shows the empty bottle to Eric and swears she drank it. He accuses her of lying. She laughs. He punches her in the face. I threaten to pull over, but don't. Lemonade is spilled all over leather seats.

- Colton creates "Most Annoying Turd Award" and alternately tells Abbey or Eric they just won. The winner then kicks him in the head. They all laugh. I pray for death.

- Abbey exits bathroom in McDonald's in Mason City, Iowa, with mouthful of water - which she then spits all over her brothers who were (miraculously) actually standing quietly where I told them to. They tackle her. I nearly regress to eating a cheeseburger, but stop myself at the last second.

- Colton throws Abbeys shoes in the trashcan at the same McDonalds. I almost toss him in after, but instead issue stern warnings as to my rising anger levels and extreme unpredictability. He looks appropriately scared. For a second. Then he wedgies Eric. I nearly give up and just find an apartment to live in Mason City. It seemed easier then driving back.

- They all fight over whose butt hurts worse. Eric fake cries. Abbey sits on Eric's stuffed animals. Eric punches her. She kicks him in the knee. They start grabbing for hair. I holler at the top of my lungs. Colton panic-thanks me for letting him have root beer the day before, in hopes I won't pull over and toss them all into the ditch. It works. He calms me down.

- We finally arrive home. Tim is gone. The house next door is for sale. My mother-in-law is coming tonight, but not sure when, and the house is a mess. At least the cat was happy to see me!